26) Misunderstandings and the importance of Good Communication

Week Ending 7th January 2024

The photograph above is from one of my workshops where two participants are admiring each other's work. I chose it because they are not actually looking at each other. The next one is also from a workshop where the two people ARE looking at each other. This is a way to symbolise the importance of good communication - because without it there can be serious misunderstandings. 

This Sunday I received a text from a friend. It was four lines, saying that they no longer wanted to be part of my business Team. 

Naturally, my mind immediately began to ask why.

Our friendship goes back over 20 years. The individual is very dear to me. I choose people in my Team who I know well and I can trust. They are honest and share the values and principles which underpin my Company - a belief in genuine Human Rights - the inherent preciousness (I call it 'divinity') of everyone. A belief that we are all part of each other and part of the whole world, which leads us to strive to see, to love and to serve the 'divine' in everyone and to work in every possible way for greater peace and. harmony among us human beings - and to care for our planet 'and all who sail on her.' Sincere and serious Aspiration to learn and grow wiser so that we remain in a strong, happy and positive consciousness ourselves, remembering that 'You Can't Pour from an Empty Cup.'
The three key values behind my company are Oneness, Aspiration and Gratitude. Oneness includes all the 'divine qualities' such as love, compassion, kindness, freedom, justice and peace.

I was asking myself why this friend might have decided not to remain in my Team. 

Because we tend to see things from our own perspective, we don't necessarily jump to the right conclusions when someone says or writes something. We need to communicate really well and effectively, to listen well and understand the emotions behind what people say. Messaging on WhatsApp or Texting does not permit that kind of deep listening. So my mind took over. I saw four lines of text and assumed that my friend and Team Member had a problem with me and was wanting to 'back off.' 

I met this friend only a few days ago.

I spent the Christmas and New Year with family in the Midlands and visited most of my friends in the area while I was there.

I spent the Christmas and New Year with family in the Midlands and visited most of my friends in the area while I was there.

I had a tricky misunderstanding with one of them (not the one on my Company Team who sent the message) but it also illustrates the importance of good communication - so I will start with that one. 

I had arranged to meet this friend on 3rd January, and suggested we go out somewhere away from the city. She loves the countryside as much as I do, but not having a car it's rare she can get away. We both love Forest Bathing and I was looking forward to exploring a new area of woodland with her. I was considering Cannock Chase, the Wye Valley or the Malvern Hills.

Forest Bathing is the most powerful and scientifically proven, effective way of reducing stress. Forest Bathing is a translation of the Japanese term Shinrin yoku. It literally means bathing in the forest - spending time in a wooded environment, just soaking up the atmosphere in a relaxed way. (It does not require us to remove any clothes!)

In the 1980's in Japan, toxic stress was causing young people to drop dead at work in such numbers that the government did a lot of research into the subject of stress. They found that when we spend time in nature our brain relaxes. This is why people like to go on holiday by the sea, walking in the hills or even climbing mountains - but the researchers found that when we spend time in woods or forests, just relaxing around trees, we get the strongest de-stressing benefits.

In addition to the way that our neocortex relaxes when we are in any natural environment, when we are around trees we benefit physically as well as mentally. Trees produce chemicals called phytoncides, which protect them from insect and fungal attacks. When people breathe in these chemicals, our bodies respond by increasing the number and activity of a type of white blood cell called natural killer cells or NK. These are like the 'rubbish collectors' in our body and among other benefits they clean up pre-cancerous cells, so there are many benefits from spending a few hours (or even a few minutes) among trees. You don't have to hold them or hug them - but speaking from experience, when I 'hold a tree' like this, I can really feel the stress draining away, while I feel a strong 'vibration' of peace and happiness lifting my mood. 

The following photo was taken by a friend when I was out Forest Bathing in the summer.

On 2nd January, this friend phoned to clarify details of our Forest Bathing Trip next day. I took the phone call in the sitting room of the family home where I was staying, and my son was in the room. Knowing that he also loves outings and nature, I suggested, on the spur of the moment, that he might come too. 

My friend later texted me saying she would much rather I spent the day with my son, relaxing as planned, that she would be happy to meet with me another time. She said she was feeling quite tired and would prefer to stay closer to home next day. 

I realised that she had misunderstood me, when I mentioned that my son might come with us. As we were speaking on the phone I was aware that I had not done anything 'special' with him all over Christmas and he had been doing all the cooking, waiting on the family hand and foot. He really deserved a break and would love to come with us. I guess I felt bad for him, planning something nice with my friend - having done nothing special for or with him, which is why I suggested he could come too.

I was horrified that my friend had assumed that I had planned the trip with my son and thought that when I 'reached out'  to 'include her' this was an after-thought. 

Here's a bit of my text-reply.

My total priority tomorrow was to have an adventure of some kind with you, ideally (from my perspective) getting away from Birmingham and townscapes  and having new experiences to enjoy together and look back on fondly together like - (and I mentioned some of our past adventures together.)

I value our friendship and was / hopefully still can be - looking forward to spending time together with you. Of course we can stay closer to home tomorrow. I hope we can still have fun.
I’ve had two weeks with my family here. It can get a bit claustrophobic and I’m really looking forward to
a bit of ‘you-and-me’ time. I can do something with my son another time.

I thought it would be fun to go out somewhere nice all together but that was an afterthought. He’s had a lot of pressure over the past couple of weeks and as you know, he likes you a lot. (Who wouldn’t?) We all get on well so I thought if we go somewhere nice it would be great to invite him too. I’d not even thought of that until I was on the phone with you. To go on an outing with two people I really love, - it seemed like a great idea. But I agree, sometimes it’s better to keep things simple. He probably wouldn’t have been free to come anyway.

Please know that when I suggested that he might come with us tomorrow it was to add to the fun and share our outing with him. My plan had always been to have a nice outing with you before I return to London. To invite him was a complete after-thought as he was in the room while I was talking to you and he certainly could do with a break.  There’s every likelihood he wouldn’t be free to come but I was hoping it would work out well for us all.

I’m a bit upset now and not sure what to do tomorrow as I’ve really been looking forward to seeing you.
Will it be ok to come over and just do whatever you feel like?
No plans, no agenda, nobody else to complicate things. We can stay in and just enjoy each other’s company like we did last time if you’re feeling exhausted. I can just stay for a short visit or longer if you like. And if you would like to go out, we can go wherever you like.

So unless you say categorically Do Not Come. Under no circumstances do I want you on my doorstep tomorrow, I will just trust God or The Universe to turn this mess into something positive and I’ll come anyway.  No plan No pressure No expectation. Just being open to the possibility of progress.

Sorry for the confusion and hoping this text won’t make things even worse.

I’m feeling so peed off with texts because they just don’t have the power to explain what we want to say and they so often can be interpreted wrongly so they convey the opposite

I did go to meet my friend in the morning of the 3rd and she was happy to see me. She suggested we go to Cannon Hill Park, one of our favourite local destinations. The above was the first photo she took. I love the way she included the pigeon on the flag-post as well as the ones in the trees. It was so funny to see so many pigeons crowding together like that.

We had a lovely outing and my friend explained that she doesn't mix together 'spending time with friends' and 'spending time with family.' When she spends time with a friend or a member of her family she prefers to meet up with them, one at a time - so that they can share anything private that they might want to discus with her. If more people are present it is a completely different 'dynamic.' I understood that perfectly and could appreciate that it wasn't appropriate for me to open up our time together to include my son. It reminded me that I also need to set aside time to take my son on his own outing as over Christmas we only got to speak about family matters alongside all the busyness of cooking and housework. 

My friend and I were able to catch up with each other and talk about many important things. It would have been impossible to have such a deep conversation if my son had been with us. She was quite right about the importance of spending 'quality time' - one to one - with those we love.

Cannon Hill Park is beautiful even in winter. I love the sculptural qualities of these leaves.

So what about the misunderstanding that came from the text I received on Sunday?

On 4th January, just before returning to London, I met the friend who is in my Business Team. He had just got married - and was keen to introduce me to his wife, who I had not yet met in person (although he has been talking to me about her quite a lot when we have met up or chatted on the phone over the past few months.)

I was thrilled to meet her and see all the beautiful wedding photos. We had a feast of food left from the great event and it was a very happy occasion.

Now, receiving this short message from him, saying he didn't want to be part of my Team, the first thing that I thought was that I must have said something or done something in front of his wife, that had seriously upset him and affected our friendship. I was mortified.

I sent several L L L O O O N N N G G G texts in reply. My mind was going in circles and just imagining all kinds of ways in which I might have upset him. I dearly want to strengthen rather than weaken our friendship now that he's married.

(The photo is from internet - but it gives the right idea here and does not risk exposing his privacy.)

Our friendship began when I was his Tuition Teacher. This was over 20 years ago when my hair was not so  white. He used to joke that 'Grandma is coming.' I told him seriously, 'Grandma? I hope you realise that grandmothers last for life.'
I became good friends with all the family and often stayed with them when I was working on Supply in the area. Here's a photo he took of me at that time. 

On receiving his text I sent several long replies including 'Can we talk so I know what the problem may be? I know you’ll be very busy now but see if you can phone before you go for your honeymoon.' (That's booked for  later next week.) I continued -

Have I upset you? I have such a big mouth and small brain. Your message has me worried. 

I want to love and support you and your marriage in every possible way. You are incredibly dear to me. You know that. And now you’re married I extend this love to her, too....

Anyway just give me a ring and explain what’s up. What worries you. Of course I accept your wishes, but I’d appreciate a conversation first....

'And do share some wedding photos. I'm dying to show my son.'

After thinking that I must have said or done something when we met up on 4th which upset him, and being unable to recall anything that could have caused this reaction, my mind went in another direction. 

My grandson has had a lot of trauma over the years, including bullying at school, getting into fights as a result of the bullying and issues with gangs as a consequence of the fights. Growing up in the inner city is a minefield. In recent years he has moved on. He has a good job and a wise attitude but trauma causes wounds which are hard to heal. Perhaps something had happened which had no connection with me but had set him back in some way. Perhaps he didn't want me to know about. Perhaps he was ashamed and wanted to hide.  My busy mind was creating all kinds of crazy scenarios that might have motivated him to want to back off in our relationship. I am a Mindfulness-Coach. I am an expert when it comes to metacognition, to observing our mind and noticing when our thoughts are spiralling out of control, imagining horrible scenarios which have no foundation. But at that time I was not using mindfulness. My imagination was simply torturing me.

I continued....

If you do ‘lose it’ can you try to go out for a walk to cool off, (not off in the car) and avoid the temptation of escaping with alcohol. I totally understand the reason why that could happen. When you are angry it will come out. But now you are an adult with a beautiful wife. If something happened, don't blame yourself  - but it’s important to step back and look at yourself with deep kindness and compassion, starting to understand the roots of your actions and emotions, being brave enough to face them rather than suppressing them, numbing them or trying to put the blame on someone - me - your brother, your Mum...

I went on to say that I find Gabor Mate a very wise voice on YouTube when it comes to trauma. I think it’s he who says that trauma is like an open wound. It affects our emotions and is easily triggered. He says the trigger on a gun is so small. You only move it a fraction but it connects with explosives and bullets. We all have many trauma-wounds and they need attention to heal. We can talk about that later if you wish. But for now, don't push me off. Whatever has happened, don't let it come between us.

I concluded -

I've  known you for more than half your life. I chose you as part of my Team  for your benefit as well as mine. You can learn more about life and especially business as we 'travel together' with Ultimate Stress Solutions.  It will be good for both of us. So I would very much like to have a conversation before I take you off the list.

Lots of love

Grandma

that was on Monday when I read the text he had written on Sunday. Then on Tuesday I wrote - 

Went to sleep thinking of you.

Woke up thinking only of you.

I’m just guessing all this from one small text - I may be totally wrong. But  there must be a reason why you want 'out.'

I went to sleep thinking of you and woke thinking of you. Unless we talk what else can I do???

I’m holding you all in my prayers. 

I am planning to come to see you tomorrow. I would come today but I want to give you time to think about it and talk to your beautiful wife if you need to. Your life together is just starting. These days are crucial to create a strong and happy foundation for your future and the happy loving home you will build for your children.

If things are difficult / painful / scary and you are feeling upset or angry, it's time to stand tall and breathe very slowly and deeply to shed some of the weight of stress that I guess you may be feeling. (Why else would you want to distance yourself like this?)  Remember that when we breathe in a rhythmic way and make the exhale longer than the inhale, It convinces our brain that all is well and automatically reduces stress. 

Always remember that the great sages and mystics of all religions and all times not only show us what is possible but teach us how to live right and find the inner peace and strength we need. Their consciousness is higher than the highest. When we read their  words, we don't just learn from their wisdom, they actually lift our consciousness. Their lives are timeless, unbounded. They are here with us all the time if we remember and open our hearts to them.

My spiritual Teacher has literally saved my life on several occasions. Remember he accepted all your whole family too. Remember some of the experiences you had and strengthen your own inner connection. Would you like me to send his photo? You’re an adult now. You’re a married man. You’re responsible for your own happiness and your whole future with your wife and family.

The pain and anger you carry due to childhood trauma is not your fault - but if you let it wreck your marriage and destroy your happiness that will be your fault.  Nobody can heal from trauma on their own. I find Gabor Mate a very wise voice because he's not just an expert on the subject, he is talking from his own experience of trauma.  I think it’s he who says that trauma is like an open wound. It affects our emotions and is easily triggered. He says the trigger on a gun is so small. You only move it a fraction but it connects with explosives and bullets.

He describes how his (Jewish) mother  lived in Hungary and the Nazis invaded when he was a few weeks old. She gave him to a stranger when he was just a few months old, to save him from the Nazis. He was away from her for a few months I think, but  the whole experience of his mother being stressed and distressed - as well as giving him away - left him traumatised and deeply afraid of rejection. This caused all kind of relationship problems for him as an adult. On one occasion, on his birthday, a friend refused to have some birthday cake. That triggered his  trauma-related fears of rejection so strongly that he ended up punching the man!
It's only by studying trauma and getting help from therapists himself that he has been able to heal and is now one of the top experts in the field.

Another expert on trauma is Daniel Amen, who is the world's highest authority when it comes to studying the brain and relating brain-scans to trauma and  behaviour. I really recommend that you listen to them both - and others who you may find - as the better you understand yourself, the more aware you are of your thoughts and emotions, the more power you have to master them.

Don't be mad at me or at yourself if you have done something you regret. Just learn from it. We have to make choices at every moment and we learn from our mistakes. Islam speaks of life as a test. Our spiritual Teacher sometimes talks about The Battlefield of Life. Life is hard. It's a struggle. We all make mistakes. We can’t win on our own.

You know all this already and how important it is to step back and make a conscious choice to fight on the Divine Side in this battle of life, using Love, Compassion and Forgiveness and asking for help, recognising that we can’t win on our own. We need to take the help we need from friends who  genuinely love and care for us and are honest  with us (like me) even if we (those who advise us) sometimes make mistakes. We’re only human too! 
We need to strengthen our spiritual lives, to pray, meditate and read spiritually powerful books. There are inspiring videos too - and our spiritual Teacher's music. Anything that raises our consciousness is good. Conscious aspiration - which you have in abundance - is all you need for progress. That's the essence of what life is about in my view. We're not expected to be perfect, just trying our best. 

Only consciously choosing ‘the Divine side’ to work with God, praying seriously, reading books by those who have more wisdom than we have, working with love and forgiveness, recognising our problems and getting the help we need, through prayer and holding the hands of people who have the inner wisdom and strength we need can prevent things going wrong.

Don’t push me off. Hold onto our friendship ever more strongly. I am your genuine friend. I absolutely love you. I may say stupid things - I’m only a human grandmother, not a ‘God-Realised Master’ with infinite spiritual wisdom like our Guru is. But I am a true friend. You know that. So don’t’ push me away’ as I feel you are doing by saying you no longer want to be on my Team.

I do hope you will choose to strengthen rather than weaken our friendship.

As I said to your wife - and absolutely mean it, you are one of the best people I know. You have the rare capacity to step back and look at life in a detached and reflective way, to understand things rather than just react to them in a mindless way.  You have a rare depth of integrity - honesty and being true to what you believe to be right. You don't 'follow the crowd.' you choose your own path. 

I’m proud of the progress you’ve made. It's not easy to get free from smoking and  you’ve said yourself you don't drink any more, but it’s hard when everything seems so difficult not to numb it all - I can totally understand if you  slipped up in that, but summer doesn't come in a day! If you do 'slip up' just move on from it. 

I'm 'feeling around in the dark' here. You write me four lines, four innocent lines - that you've been thinking and you no longer want to be in my Team. And my mind takes off, remembering all the crazy things that have ever gone wrong in your life - everything that has happened since you were a kid  - and wondering what can possibly have made you want to leave my Team.

I'm just trying to guess why.
I'm wondering if something bad happened and you got in a fight or got drunk and feel too ashamed to talk to me about it. If that is so, please let go of any feelings of guilt or embarrassment. I guess all this may be too difficult to talk about on the phone so I’ll grab some petrol and head over to your house today. I just made the ‘Executive Decision.’ I’m getting ready and will be on my way within the hour.

I need to buy some cat food and feed the kitties first. I was going to busking today - topping up my funds for the next workshop - but you -  our friendship and your happiness are much more important and I can’t do anything from here except imagine what might be wrong and worry.

Incidentally I spent hours yesterday recording a radio programme on my phone to share with you.  (that was before I got your text.) The screen record kept stopping so I had to do it in bits and then match them up. I’ll see if it will upload to my YouTube and share it. I just stumbled on it completely 'by chance.'  - Occasionally I put  BBC World Service radio on, just for the company of the sound - and that channel often has some interesting programmes relating to different parts of the world. On this occasion it 'just  happened' to be about marriage and love, so I thought I'd share it with you. It gives a bit of insight into the wisdom of Islam, too which is really inspiring, so although it's not directly relevant (its a man who had an arranged marriage but love hasn't grown.  Now he wonders whether he 'made a mistake') I think you'll both gain a lot from listening to it. I certainly am. 

As you know, I don't believe in coincidences, so when I 'just happen to listen to something about love, marriage and relationships' on the same day you send a text wanting to leave the Team, I guess the message of the programme may be 'meant' for me to share.

I did manage to save the programme, not directly but by screen-shotting my imovie recording   
so here is the link. 

I did go to see my friend.

I drove from London to their house in the Midlands.

It was a lovely sunny day. I sang for much of the way and tried to stay in a meditative consciousness, praying that 'God's Will would be done' through my visit and I wouldn't just make things worse by bringing all my heavy fearful thoughts.

I had been messaging all day. I added messages from the Service Station I stopped at on the way. The ticks on WhatsApp had not gone blue. He wasn't reading them. Perhaps he was at work.

Nobody was in when I arrived after a drive of some four hours. I got a take-away meal from the chip shop across the road. It was cold in the car but I was happy to wait and after about another hour he and his wife did come home. They'd been out visiting relatives. Everyone in both their families is excited and wants to get to know them better. They were really pleased to see me.

We had a nice relaxed time watching a great YouTube channel called Yes-Theory I think. (We watched an episode where a group of young people asked a Taxi Driver to take them as far as 10.000 pounds on the taxi-meter would go. They wanted to see if they could actually leave Europe and headed for Morocco. It was fascinating. I found the link. Enjoy.)

I couldn't speak to my friend privately until later when his wife went to prepare me some food to take home.  Then I asked, 'So tell me. What is the problem with being part of my Team?' He said that now he's married he thought he might not be able to give me much in the way of support. He wouldn't be able to come to London and physically help out as he often has in the past.  He just didn't want to let me down or feel under any obligation.

It was as simple as that. I had read those four lines of text and completely misunderstood the message. I assumed he wanted to back off, possibly even end our friendship. He was actually wanting to be supportive and responsible.

My reaction showed up such a deep level of fear and attachment on my part. Love is a very tricky emotion. I do not yet have the level of spiritual detachment and surrender to be able to take everything 'in my stride.' I was shocked to find I was so insecure, attached and self-absorbed.

It was a great example of the way our mind can fabricate problems and create all kinds of stress and anxiety when there simply is nothing at all to worry about. All my fears, all my imaginings had been completely mistaken. I had read so much into the four lines of his text that simply wasn't there. My own emotions of love, attachment, concern and fear had taken over and I had completely forgotten about being mindful and staying in the moment, disciplining my mind and keeping my thoughts under control. I could have simply waited to speak to him on the phone and kept my mind away from the question, disciplined it with mindfulness-activities until then. The more I had allowed my mind to come up with thoughts about what might have gone wrong, the more colourful and imaginative the scenarios it created for me.

So often something unfortunate will happen and we suffer stress as a result. But that is just at that moment. What then, all too often, we think about it and ruminate, bringing the stress of that event from the past and into 'The Now.' Or we may imagine that something bad may have happened - which was completely wrong. In a similar way we often worry that something bad may happen in the future and 'pull all that stress' into the present moment. When I'm coaching I call this 'Time-travelling.' 

That's what I had been doing so nicely, firstly thinking I might have said something that had upset him when we were together a few days ago - and then, because reflecting on that time did not offer any clues as to what I might have said that was out of place, remembering all the tricky situations he had been in during his teenage years and thinking of all the bad things that might have happened which could have made him feel he needed to 'hide from me' by leaving the Team.

One way or another, it was another good example of why texting is not a great way to communicate. We see the words but none of the emotions which like behind them. For real communication we need real listening, like the Islamic Mystics who the Imam in the radio programme quote - 

 Islamic mystics say 'what is listening?'
Metaphorically  listening is putting your head on the person's chest and sinking into the answer. So I have learned, as best as I can, the art of really listening. What is the issue behind the issue. And then I realised, that it is not so much about this situation or that situation - I did this or did't do that - it is about the underlying feeling. Because I listen (I notice) I'm feeling hurt, I'm feeling not heard. I'm feeling ignored. So I have learned that it is not about the circumstance of the situation - blaming this or blaming that - it's about a higher understanding. So that's helped a lot.

The Imam mentioned the poet and Sufi Mystic Rumi. I looked for what he has said about listening and found this - 

Listen with ears of tolerance!
See through the eyes of compassion! 
Speak with the language of love.
Rumi

The funniest (and most serious) example of misunderstanding that I have experienced was a few years ago. I practise meditation and in our Centre we meet every week. Each time someone brings Prasad - which is an offering of food which is blessed by the meditation and we share a the end. 

I was not on the Prasad rota at that time, but I thought it would be nice to take a turn and bring a Prasad - so I put my name on the list where there was a space a few weeks later. The next week I noticed that someone had crossed my name out and added the name of someone else. 
I was really hurt and upset. I thought that someone had removed my name because they did not want me to bring Prasad. I discussed this with my son and of course he was also unhappy to see that I was being treated with such disrespect. 

At first I didn't talk to anyone else as our spiritual Teacher has asked us not to gossip. Gossip is something that lowers consciousness and causes pain. But some time later I mentioned this to the person who prepares the Prasad rota. She was shocked to know that I had put my name on the list and explained that she thought someone else had put my name there - to put pressure on me, because they thought I should bring Prasad. Knowing that my funds are always tied up with my workshops, and wanting to protect me from any kind of pressure, she had deleted my name and found someone else to cover that week.

The reality was that my name was deleted.
When I saw that, I thought it was because someone didn't want me to bring Prasad, so they had deleted it because they wanted to marginalise me and prevent me from taking a more active part in the community.
In reality, it was a friend who deleted it out of a sense of oneness, kindness and concern. 

Communication is so important. I appreciate that it was not a great idea to cross out my name without speaking to me, another time it would be better for her to ask me about it - and on that occasion a quick text would have been enough, but the fact is, we should be careful not to jump to conclusions.

Misunderstanding can cause such a lot of grief. So this New Year Experience has reminded me of the importance of Good Communication. It's a good reminder which may bring all kinds of benefit to the coming months. 

We human beings are a Tribal Species, designed to live in community. Relationships are important but they need care and nurturing. Here is another photo from Cannon Hill Park on 3rd January. Look at the wonderful variety of shapes and textures. Trees of all kinds are so beautiful in every season. 

I look forward to many more outings and meaningful conversations with people who are important in my life - especially one to one, so we can deepen understanding and strengthen our all-important friendships.

I wish you all and your loved ones a very Happy New Year.

Now to conclude, as usual, with a poem or two -

Sri Chinmoy
Seventy-Seven Thousand Service-Trees no 35001, part 36 - 2004

May the beauty of the New Year
Beautify my heart.
May the purity of the New Year
Purify my mind.
May the simplicity of the New Year
Simplify my vital.
May the intensity of the New Year
Intensify my body.
May the responsibility of the New Year
Glorify my life.
May only the divinity of the New Year
Fully satisfy me.
SFL 45. 1 January 1997, Takamatsu, Japan

Sri Chinmoy,
My sweet Father-Lord, where are You?, Agni Press, 1999

PS - Active Listening advice

Looking online for Listening Skills I found several good sites. I will share something from www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/mental-health/coping-with-change just one of them which I like.

Here are 10 easy ways to make your communication more effective and make the other person feel more valued.

1. Face the speaker and have eye contact

Eye contact is an important part of face to face conversation. Too much eye contact can be intimidating, though, so adapt this to the situation you’re in. Try breaking eye contact every five seconds or so, or to show you’re listening attentively, look at one eye for five seconds, then another eye for five seconds, then switch to looking at their mouth. When you look away, looking to the side or up is better than looking down, which can seem like you want to close the conversation.

Check your posture and make sure it’s open – avoid crossed arms or crossed legs, which can make you look ‘closed’ or defensive. Leaning slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting can show that you’re listening – as can a slight tilt of your head or resting your head on your hand.

2. “Listen” to non-verbal cues too

what the other person is saying with their body language 

Facial expressions, tone

3. Don’t interrupt

Being interrupted is frustrating for the other person – it gives the impression that you think you’re more important, or that you don’t have time for what they have to say. If you are naturally a quicker thinker or speaker, force yourself to slow down so that the other person can express themselves. Remember, a pause or a few seconds of silence doesn’t mean that you have to jump in. Letting the other person speak will make it easier for you to understand their message, too.

Even interruptions that respond to something that they’ve said can be distracting if it means the conversation gets sidetracked from what they were trying to tell you about. If this does happen, steer the conversation back to “So, you were telling me about…”.

4. Listen without judging, or jumping to conclusions

If you start reacting emotionally to what’s being said, then it can get in the way of listening to what is said next. Try to focus on listening. Equally, don’t assume that you know what’s going to be said next.

5. Don’t start planning what to say next

You can’t listen and prepare at the same time.

6. Show that you’re listening

Nod your head, smile and make small noises like “yes” and “uh huh”, to show that you’re listening and encourage the speaker to continue. Don’t look at your watch, fidget or play with your hair or fingernails.

7. Don’t impose your opinions or solutions

It’s not always easy, but lending a listening, supportive ear can be much more rewarding than telling someone what they should do. When a loved one has health problems is a time when they probably want to tell you how they’re feeling, and get things off their chest, rather than have lots of advice about what they should be doing.

In other areas of life too, most people prefer to come to their own solutions. If you really must share your brilliant solution, ask first if they want to hear it – say something like “Would you like to hear my suggestions?”

8. Stay focused

If you're finding it difficult to focus on what someone is saying, try repeating their words in your head as they say them – this will reinforce what they’re saying and help you to concentrate. Try to shut out distractions like other conversations going on in the room. And definitely don’t look at your phone.

9. Ask questions

Asking relevant questions can show that you’ve been listening and help clarify what has been said.

If you’re not sure if you’ve understood correctly, wait until the speaker pauses and then say something like “Did you mean that x…” Or “I’m not sure if I understood what you were saying about…”

You should also use open questions where you can, like “How did that make you feel?” “What did you do next?”

10. Paraphrase and summarise

By repeating what has been said, you really show you’ve been paying attention, and this also allows the speaker to correct you if you haven’t understood

Sometimes called reflecting, this is repeating what has been said to show that you understand it. This may seem awkward at first, but really shows you’ve been paying attention, and allows the speaker to correct you if you haven’t understood correctly.

If you’re not sure how to do this, try starting a sentence with: "Sounds like you are saying…”

And remember….practice makes perfect

Old habits are hard to break, so you’ll need to make a conscious effort to become an active listener. Try spending a week in which you summarise the main points or outcomes at the end of each conversation or meeting. This will help you get into the habit.