32) Trauma and Domestic Abuse

Melanie had to leave her husband and go to a refuge when the boys were still under five. I met her years later when her two boys were at school and I became 'honorary Grandmother' to them. Melanie was not interested in finding another partner. She said, 'I would never trust my two boys with another man.' She is one of the bravest, hardest working and kindest people I know.

Now grown, I am sad that the relationship between my friend and her eldest son, who I will call George, is not great. He does not get on with his younger brother (Bill) and is quite hostile towards Bill's daughter (Julia) who is only a year old.

Parallels

I see the war in Gaza with bombs falling and people dying at every moment. I can't do anything directly to change that horror, but I can do my best to share whatever insight I have that may reduce the suffering in other areas of the world, in the 'corner' of life which I occupy. So in the past week I have been visiting my friend and her family. I stayed the night with them on Thursday and was able to talk to Melanie who is bitterly upset by something George recently said. She feels it is unforgivable. She has had more than enough and thinks this is the end of any hope of them becoming reconciled. She feels it's all his fault. He is a selfish, greedy, spiteful monster. And while they are sharing her house, she has no wish even to speak either to George or his wife, any more.

I hope I can help George to understand and forgive his own anger. I know he loves his mum very deeply. I also knows he hates. his brother very much. Bill doesn't understand that but has been hurt by it so much over the years that he hates George back and says he will never forgive him for things he has done and for the way he has been so spiteful towards his wife and their beautiful, sweet and innocent  little Julia.  

I guess that the cause of the latest episode in this tragedy may be that Melanie was trying to force George to allow his brother's family to come and visit with them. She loves Julia intensely, with a real grandmother's passion, and wants to see them all one 'happy family.'  (In the past she has asked me if I could 'make the brothers get along together.')

My view is that at the moment, so much 'water has flowed under that bridge' that they simply can't get along together. The pain on both sides is too deep. It's better to meet them separately and keep them apart, for everyone's benefit. But whatever the reason is, George has recently said some things that are completely 'below the belt' and Melanie is bitterly hurt and unable to forgive him. In going there I was, like the great saying, the Fool in the middle. (Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread.)

I hope they can all begin to understand the way that childhood trauma can result in this kind of disaster - and also know that it can be healed - and it must be healed if any of us are ever to hope to live in a happier and more peaceful family, never mind a more peaceful world.

I was able to talk to my friend directly on the Thursday evening. I could not talk to George about it, but he did welcome me warmly and thank me for coming. We figuratively 'stroked the cat' and he was happy for me to talk fairly briefly with his wife Sharon.

The following is taken from some messages I sent George and Sharon over the next few days, well 'laced with fiction' to protect their identity.

Thursday, to Sharon.

I assured the family that I can’t and never will tale anyones ‘side’ but everyone needs to know that wherever we are now is not a fixed place. It has a history and there are reasons for things.

Just like the attack of October 7th didn't come from nowhere, but arose from the events of the past - if ever we are to find a solution, we need to understand that each one of us holds and responds to emotions which have a history. If someone behaves in a cruel way, it is not because they are 'a bad person.' When someone hurts someone else, it is usually coming from a place of intense pain or past suffering, a place of trauma, where there are emotional wounds which have not healed. When we understood how we ‘got here’ it can help us to respond in a way which can reduce the pain that everyone is feeling - and not just make it worse.

But the main thing is to remember that nothing stays the same. Everything changes and we can choose the direction of the change.

I said that since I'm a friend who has known them all for years, and I know a bit of the history, I may be able to help to ensure that we make changes which move things towards a happier future for everyone.

Heres what I wrote to Sharon next day, - after some quite tough conversations with Melanie

To Sharon on Friday

Melanie will really need your kindness and patience as I tried to help her understand that she is the culprit when it comes to the way George and Bill hate each other. They only had one mum. They both had been though hell as little kids and will both have emotional damage as a result - George more than Bill as he was in that world for longer - and his personal relationship with her was disrupted when Bill arrived on the scene. So it is natural that he will have felt acutely jealous, right from an early age.

All this can be healed but it's not automatic. It can get worse - as has been happening in recent years. So if we want a happier future we have to start here and now, being very intentional and kind in what we say and do. We have to WANT a happier family and start with prayer, meditation and growing stronger in the divine qualities of Unconditional Love, Compassion and Forgiveness.

Since I know they are serious about their faith, I talked a bit about how Jesus stresses the importance of love and forgiveness. I told them how I used a forgiveness exercise when teaching Religious Education, which comes from the Jewish tradition. After one such experiential lesson a girl approached me and said, 'Miss, what do you do if you don't even want to forgive?'
I suggested she speak to someone she can trust about the issue she can't even want to forgive. If parents aren't in a position to help, perhaps there's a councillor in school, a trusted teacher, or her doctor. She shouldn't be carrying this kind of 'emotional load' on her own. If something serious is happening, she needs help to stop it. After that, then it comes to prayer. So pray for the capacity to want to forgive.

Forgiveness is healing. It breaks the painful emotional connection we have with whoever may have been causing - or may still be causing - us harm. It frees us from being hurt by them any more. 

In our lives, from day to day, we have just a tiny opportunity to walk towards the Light, Peace and Beauty of Heaven - or forget that is a choice, something we need to consciously choose to do - and slide unconsciously in the opposite direction.

I continued my message to Sharon,

Please use your conscious prayers, meditations, thoughts and actions to strengthen George and help him at this time.

Life is a challenge and offers us all an opportunity go grow spiritually, more 'like Jesus' every day. He is the 'role-model' that Christians follow.  Islam speaks of life as a Test and this is very real and strong at this time. I feel that the forces of light and darkness are really fighting in your family as a result. If you think of life as a test, remember that you are not alone. All the religions and holy books, all the saints and sages of all times, are teaching the same thing. Reach inwardly to grow towards the Light. Hold God's Hand and He will steady you so you do the right thing. You know yourself what is good and bad, right and wrong. Think of consciousness. Are you thinking and saying and doing things that lift your consciousness and that of those around you, or are you doing the opposite?

I continued - 

I don’t know what George said to his mum. I don’t know if you were there, but I’ve never known her so hurt and upset. I can’t put it right. I think George is the only person who can even begin to do anything. But he has been so hurt by life, over the years. I think if you can support him, he will be able to come forward. He has courage and also the capacity to look at things in a reflective way, with an element of self-awareness and compassion.

He must have been very hurt and angry to speak to his mum like that. If you speak to him openly about it, then he may feel you are taking sides against him and it may make him more angry. Obviously what he said must have come from his own deep pain and hurt. That’s where our deep emotions like fear and anger usually come from. When we feel pain we often throw it out at other people.

So I’m not suggesting that you talk to him directly about it - but do pray about it and consciously put yourself, George, Bill and Melanie at God's Feet and in His Heart. Feel you are sitting with Jesus and feeling His Forgiveness and Love.

I hold you all in my heart.

That's the gist of my messages before the weekend. On Monday I returned to London, to prepare for the February workshop. As usual I meditated on Tuesday morning and my thoughts were full of this family. I didn't fight them or attempt to 'quiet my mind' instead I held them in my meditation and prayers. Then I wrote to George and Sharon again. 

To George and Sharon on Tuesday

This morning, in my meditation, I’ve been holding you in my heart and in my meditation.

I was using my imagination to take me into your home when you were just a year old - so sweet and innocent - your little brain developing at the fastest speed, totally focused on your own life, interpreting everything in a personal way, and your nervous system completely open, feeling everything with great intensity.

You adored your mother. In a chaotic and often violent home, she was your rock. She meant everything to you. The love between you was stronger than the strongest. You heard the shouting and saw the abuse. You utterly depended on your mother to hold you, to reassure you, to love you and feed you. You wanted to be able to protect her, even though you were such a tiny child. 

And then, just two months after you were a year old, ‘someone else’ appeared, who needed and demanded your mother’s attention even more.

Can you see how this will very naturally have created massive emotions of jealousy to arise?

As the violence in the family got worse and began to be directed not only towards your mum but also towards you both, what pain and suffering - both physical and emotional - your mum must have known. It's beyond imagination. 

She was completely at the mercy of her husband and his family. She knew almost nobody outside of the family. She could not even return to her childhood home.

What enormous courage it must have taken to leave that poisonous, dangerous, cruel and abusive place and take you two boys, her precious children, to face an unknown future where she alone would be responsible for your safety and happiness.

And so you grew up together, both you and Bill, utterly dependent on her for everything, absolutely starving for her love. And your mother did her absolute best. Can any of us ever do more than that?

We all make mistakes - you know that better than most. Your mother made mistakes. I saw with my own eyes how it was natural for her to favour Bill, who was (to my eyes) cute, funny and full of goodwill, eager to help, needing to be liked and appreciated, rather than you, George.  You were inclined to be the wildest and most emotional of the two with a facade of not caring to cover the real pain you felt when your mum would sometimes say, 'Why can't you be more like your brother?'

You were a firebrand, keen to study and shine. But in school you were mercilessly bullied, just for being intelligent and keen. More Adverse Childhood Trauma. You got into fights. You refused school. More headaches for your mum. She tried to discipline you in a way which, in my view, was wrong. Beating only adds to  the ACES - adding another element of Adverse Childhood Experience and causing more childhood trauma. But you must be able to see that her actions came from her desperate attempts to be a good mother and bring you up with clear knowledge of right and wrong. It is a common mistake when people are strongly influenced by their religious teachings - teachings which connect us with ancient times and cultures when circumstances were very different. 

How could your mother not make mistakes? Did she have the wise support or the education to know this approach was a mistake, that it would make you begin to hate her, and for the emotional traumas you and Bill have suffered to make it hard to understand or love each other? Of course not.  But God does not expect us to be perfect, only to do our best - and you know very well that your mother ALWAYS did her best for you both. She  even fought to get you and Bill into different schools, where you would be away from that toxic bullying culture, where it was not 'cool' to work hard. She drove you to school each day - on top of her workload. But instead of settling down and working hard, you chose - for very understandable reasons of emotional self-preservation - to join the 'bad-lads' and that led to more trouble. Meanwhile the hostility between you and your brother grew. The more he tried to be a nice brother, the more you resented and rejected him. He made his own mistakes - as we all do - and you held that against him. He got married first, which made you more jealous. His wife was not supportive of your mother, which made you dislike them both more. They tried to stand up for your mother when she was attacked by a family member - but that just caused more trouble for her and made you dislike them more. 

Meanwhile, your mother continued to go to work every day, to buy her house, to feed you all, to manage everything, with no help from either of you now.

Look at the world through her eyes. Just try. It is painful because of how you and Sharon must feel about Bill and his family, but it's nobody's fault.  If you can understand and recognise that the intense emotions - anger, jealousy etc - are the result of the damaged and raw nerves of a one year old child growing up in a terrifying and violent world, wounds which are still open and unhealed, which are causing you to react to Bill and his family with such intense jealousy. And as if that's not bad enough, he will be experiencing similar childhood trauma that is responding to your hostility with tremendous pain, so he can't forgive you either. In my opinion, this is why  you have both come to hate each other so much. Try to see and appreciate that and remember that neither of you are to blame - while not expecting a miraculous cure. Sometimes, if loving someone is just too difficult, we can pray for the capacity simply to tolerate them. Slowly as we reduce the venom that is coming from. our side, through our conscious efforts not to add fuel to the fire, and through our prayer and meditation, healing can begin. 

In the middle of this craziness, is one beautiful mother who has given her all to be the best mother she can. In her own way she has given you both the love, the kindness, the indulgence - and the discipline - which she believed was right. She has been the absolute best mother that she could be. And now you’re living in the house she has bought with her blood sweat and tears - years and years of her life. 

And then you insult her as well.

Whatever you said to her recently has hurt her very severely.

Ask yourself why you wanted to hurt her like that?

Do you want to make her so utterly miserable that she no longer wants to live?

What is going on?

What future do you want for yourself and Sharon and all your own beautiful children ?

I dreamed of having a big family - a home full of love and laughter. I think when you love each other deeply, as you and Sharon do, you both will share this dream. So lets create a happy home for them to be born into . And to make it happen you need to begin to recognise your own raw and traumatised nervous system and start to heal. Sharon will help. I will help in any way I can.

I think the first step may be to sit down to eat together once a week if possible. I remember the many times we would share pizza or some other take-away together, when you boys were growing up. I'll pay for a top-quality massive pizza for your family to share once a month. Hopefully I can come and share it with you all. 

My son wanted to take you both to the cinema with us while I was staying at the weekend. You were at work, so it wasn't possible but perhaps that is also something we can do regularly. What ideas do you have?

Just as the apaling war in Gaza is making the world sit up and take the Israel-Palestine conflict seriously, which offers an opportunity for the wisest diplomats to work towards a real solution, where both sides can feel secure and look forward to living in genuine peace, so this current crisis in your family is offering an opportunity for progress. Things have been sliding for too long.

George, I am asking you to take a hard, cold look at who you have become and at what trajectory you are on. You were so disgusted by your uncle when he gave your mother so much trouble. But who is causing her most grief at the moment?

Give me a ring if you like. But one way or another, do start to make some changes in how you are thinking about yourself and your wider family,  to redirect your life and repair relationships - especially with your mum.

It will take enormous  moral courage to recognise our faults and say sorry - but courage is something you have in great measure.

You will need to hold the hands of those who unconditionally love and respect you. Sharon and I are here to give you that love and support. So is our spiritual Teacher. 

You are not alone with this George. The situation is painful now but you have the power to direct how it changes. Don’t expect your mum to forgive you in a hurry - but she will in time if you show in your actions as well as words that you are sorry for what you said. Just use unconditional love and forgiveness - and weekly meals together. 

Absolute unconditional love and forgiveness - towards yourself and then towards your mother - is the only way forward. Kindness of spirit. Compassion and empathy. Tiny unconditionally kind and loving words and actions, a smidgen of humour when you can manage it, and a clear vision in your heart and mind of a happy family, a home full of love and laughter. Anything else is taking you away from all that is good, 

Also, if you don't feel able to seek for trauma therapy, study Gabor Maté and others who teach about trauma and how to heal from it. Because while you have the raw and unhealed wounds of childhood trauma, it will be impossible to react wisely and calmly when anyone triggers your own hurt.

All my love

That's quite a 'Heavy' Blog from this week - but look at what is going on in the world, in Gaza, in Ukraine, in Myanmar, Sudan and many other places.

We are all part of each other. Our actions are not separate from the wider world. 

Let's all take whatever steps we can to understand each other better and build a more peaceful heart, home and community. I believe that we can all do with more mindfulness, self-awareness and the inner peace that comes from meditation. And then, we will have the capacity to respond to each other, with love, like the Beetles song - Love is all we need. 

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