8th August is my husband's birthday. He lives with our son in the Midlands, not far from Birmingham which is the city where we met and have many happy memories. We first lived in Handsworth where our son was born. Our landlord at that time was a lovely Sikh family and they had two teenage sons who loved cricket. My husband also loved cricket - as most Indians do. On a summer evening, when we came home from work, the two lads would call for my husband to come to Handsworth Park to play cricket with their friends. I would pack a picnic and come with them. Those were some of our happiest years together. I dreamed of getting a house on Philip Victor Road - a sunny road where everyone had beautiful gardens - which we walked down from our flat on Grove Lane.
I don't think I have been to a cricket match since then but our son bought us all tickets to watch the 'Hundred' match between Wales and Birmingham, at the famous Edgbaston Cricket Ground.
After the blog I will give the latest 'state of play' for the Cricket Hundred Tournament. This is quite a new fixture, where each team plays just a hundred balls. It's just as fun as the classic three-day 'Test Series' but as it all happens in one afternoon it is more accessible for families to enjoy.
We went on Thursday 10th and it proved to be a great day out. Welsh Fire beat Birmingham Phoenix in both the women's and men's matches. It will be great to see who wins this tournament.
Hawaii and Climate Change
On Thursday my husband (who suffers from Parkinson's disease) and our son who is his full time Carer, went to a weekly Community Event. I think it's for Carers and disabled people. Our son often prepares a presentation for everyone, including some Mindfulness and Movement.
Each week this is themed around a different part of the world and this week it was Hawaii. That is heartbreakingly poignant as he was researching Hawaiian history, art, music, culture and food etc in preparation, so when the wildfires struck Maui in the week he felt it quite intensely and personally. It's such a tragedy and such a reminder of just why it is so important to take urgent action, all around the world, to combat climate change and take whatever steps we can to protect communities from the increasing danger from hurricanes, floods and fires. How many disasters do we need to see before the world community gets together for the united action which is urgently needed? Meanwhile the war continues in Ukraine (and there are wars elsewhere too) and our own government turns its back on the Climate-Change Pledges and authorises more drilling for oil - while there is a popular outcry agains the ULEZ expansion - which is (in my view) one of the very few serious steps in the right direction. I know blogs should avoid politics, but we also need to talk about serious things, sometimes - especially after such a tragedy as the fires in Hawaii.
The Dolphin Trainer
When my hubby and son came home from the Community Event I was ready in one of my best silk saris. Because my husband and I don't live together, I like to make a special effort to show him genuine respect and affection when I come to visit. Being a specialist in mental health, I am very aware of the importance of positive relationships in our lives and in our own marriage we have experienced many challenges which led to our separation, but I never considered getting a divorce or looking at someone else. I know our relationship goes back to past incarnations together, so it is something I want to strengthen and honour. This week's blog is more about relationships than mindfulness as I was staying with the family for most of the week.
I know that my husband is a good man, but like us all, there are some sides to him which can be difficult. That's why we separated in the first place. We chose to stay together for the Covid Lockdown and while it was not easy for either of us (our energy is very different and I can really get on his nerves at times just by the way I rush around) I want to strengthen our relationship and for our relationship to be happy - so I am always open to strategies which will improve things.
During lockdown I was learning how to move my workshop/retreat programme 'The Seven Steps to Happiness' online. I followed a great online Course in creating online courses. We had to make at least fifty research calls before we began to shape our programme and since my work is about reducing stress I was asking people, 'How is the lockdown affecting you and your family? What new stresses do you notice and how are you coping with them? One lady, living in California, said that she and her husband were both professionals whose work was important to them. Their work often took them away from home, but now they were stuck in the house together which they found quite difficult. She said it was like putting two dogs in a cage - just 'snap, snap, snap!' Then she happened to watch a programme on television about training dolphins. The trainer said she totally ignores any behaviour which is unhelpful, but always rewards the behaviours which she wants to encourage. She said she began to take this approach with her husband and it was working really well. Also he was learning to do the same with her. I began to use a similar approach with my husband and simply choose to notice the good things and mention them to him. Everyone responds warmly to appreciation and praise.
When I see the less agreeable things, I choose to ignore them (at least at that time although sometimes I will mention the situation when he is in a more positive mood. I am a teacher by profession and I know in the classroom, if we overlook bad behaviour, then that can be interpreted as 'normal' so I think there's a fine line to be drawn here.) My first responsibility is for my own inner peace and happiness, but because we are all part of each other, the behaviour of our partner impacts us both, and it often helps if we can talk things through.
Research into 'the negativity bias' shows that if we want to improve behaviour and create a positive, supportive ethos in any relationship or organisation, we need at least five times as many positive interactions as negative ones, so it's important to look for good things to appreciate and affirm, to strengthen the positive if we want to improve the emotional environment. I worked on this during those months in lockdown, and out relationship certainly improved as a result.
The Asian Mindset
I believe that I was Indian in my past life and my husband and I were friends - perhaps even husband and wife. We certainly knew each other because when we met in this incarnation we both recognised each other and felt a close friendship and trust which has deepened over the years, despite all the difficulties we have experienced. Initially I had a very 'Asian Mindset' and strongly believed that once we are married, then that is for life. An Asian Mindset opposes divorce. According to Hindu philosophy, during the wedding ceremony, the two souls are united for life. But over the years I have come to appreciate that this 'rejection of divorce' is not a healthy mindset.
As a child, growing up on a farm, surrounded by nature and spending much time just watching and absorbed by the natural world, I came to see that there are two constants in life - diversity and change. Relationships are part of this. They are also constantly changing and they can become toxic - causing great suffering. This can cause trauma and emotional (as well as physical) harm. It is important to be aware and mindful within any relationship. We need to work on relationships if they are to change in a positive way, which benefits everyone - and if a relationship is deteriorating and we are not able to improve things, if it is becoming increasingly unhappy or even harmful and toxic, we need to make a move. Sadly the 'Asian Mindset' which opposes divorce, has resulted in a high suicide rate for Indian wives who feel trapped and see no way forward - but thankfully, one result of globalisation is that the suicide rate for women in India does now seem to be coming down.
Somewhere there needs to be a balance between working on a relationship from inside a marriage and leaving it. My advice is don't give up on a relationship if you can work on it - either together or (as has happened in my own case) from a secure distance. There is so much to be gained from cultivating a genuine mutually supportive friendship - but if, despite your best efforts - it's clear that harm is being done, whether that is physical or emotional - if it is just draining away your happiness and denying your dreams, then recognise that and find the best way out.
In a good relationship, in a loving relationship, partners will support and encourage each other, taking an interest in each other's progress and careers, not hold each other back. Children suffer when the home environment is not happy and at least in this country, it is possible to bring up your children well within a 'single-parent family.' Then it is just a case of being as mindful and clear as possible when it comes to their sharing time with the other parent. Some men really are dangerous. I have friends who were in extremely abusive relationships. But knowing that my husband is a good man and loved our son very much, I was happy for our son to spend half his holidays with him, so they could develop their own strong relationship together. Each situation is unique and there are no 'one size fits all' solutions. All we can do in any situation is the best we can at the time.
What changed my views on divorce was the experience of a friend who developed cancer when her children were in their teenage years. Reflecting on her life in hospital, she saw that her marriage was harming her emotionally. Indeed perhaps her soul was so unhappy that the cancer was a result of it just 'wanting out.' She could see that her life was not in a good place and decided that if she survived the cancer, then she did not want her future to be like the past years had been. She decided that the day her youngest finished school GCSE exams, she would leave home - and she did.
At the time I was shocked and distressed that she could think like that - but it has worked out very well. She later met a divorcee who was also recovering from a marriage which, over the years had become quite miserable, if not toxic. They took their time to get to know each other but after a few years they got married and are both now very happy together. They both have children from their previous marriages - and after initial hostility on the part of his children - they all get along like one family.
Now all the children are adult, several have got married and there are grandchildren. This friend's children still have a strong relationship with their own father and when I met him at a recent wedding, he seemed to be happy with his life, moving his own life forward, as well.
What all this teaches me is that there are no 'one size fits all' ways of managing our lives. Any 'fixed mindset' is dangerous. We need to be mindful and honest with ourselves and each other. Any relationship will change over the years, but if we are aware then we can take the steps we need to protect our own inner peace and happiness, our own soul's progress, and work on improving the relationships which matter to us.
Love
I learn a lot from YouTube videos with experts. I follow Daniel Amen, the brain-health expert. When it comes to relationships he encourages us to ask 'What is it I can do today, to make this better.' Don't focus on fault. Don't blame others for how your life is turning out. If the relationship is not working, then you can make it better. Think 'I'm responsible. What was my part in this?' If you make changes to your 'side' of the relationship, then it can improve the whole balance. But be clear-sighted. if you need to leave, then leave. Daniel says, 'If someone is belittling you, shaming you, hitting you, that is not ok.'
The problems we had in our marriage were complex and this is not the place to explore them, but I did come to realise that I had to leave, to get myself a career and create a peaceful and secure home for myself and our son. Only then could I be in a strong position to continue to work on my relationship and strengthen the genuine friendship I shared with my husband. Of course for most people that would mean abandoning the relationship and perhaps for both parties to move their lives on with different partners, but in our case, although we separated, we remained family. Our relationship has very deep roots and that was what worked best for us.
As I mentioned before, my husband recognised each other the moment we met. It was like meeting one's best friend after many years apart. In consequence ours is a deep relationship that I want to nurture. That is 'self-interest' too because I believe that we were together in our past life and it's very likely our souls will find each other again in the next. So let's make as much progress as we can, here and now.
Thanks to my practise of meditation and mindfulness, I was able to see that our relationship was not working out well and I had to separate, and while it was painful and difficult, my spiritual life gave me the strength and clarity to move forward. His parents had come to love me very much and my mother-in-law in particular gave me and our son a lot of support. She often came to stay with us. From the distance of our separate homes, I did my best to nurture my relationship with my husband and I did not speak ill of him. I meditated and held one particular phrase from my Teacher's writings as a Mantra - It is found in 'The Songs of the Soul'
Love radiates the life of harmony, brightens the joy-consciousness and sharpens the sword of intuition. Love is always ready to meet man's every soulful demand. Love conquers all that is unlike God. It is, indeed, supreme over all. Love conquers all that is unlike God. It is indeed supreme over all.' I am happy that our son says that as he was growing up, he never felt that my husband and I had separated, just that his dad worked in another town.
Daniel Amen and Three Important Words
Daniel Amen is a psychiatrist and says the first thing he gets his clients to do when they meet is to write, on one side of a sheet of paper, what they want in life.
Then, in all their activities, they ask themselves 'Does It Fit' - does what I am about to eat or do or say fit with creating the goals that they want to achieve?
This video is from three years ago. Here Daniel Amen is talking about his father's funeral.
For insight into the three words which he recommends that we use, start 10 minutes 30 seconds. Here are my notes -
The first thing is knowing what you want and then asking 'does it fit?'
I do this with my clients and my wife and I do it ourselves every year.
The One Page Miracle.
Write on one page or one piece of paper - what do you want?
Relationships, Work, Money and what do you want for yourself - physical, emotional and spiritual health.
With my wife - we're both good at answering that question, does it fit? Our Goals are super simple. Ask yourself with your partner or with your children, or with your mother. And for Tana and I
We want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. We always want that, but we don't always feel like that. I get rude thoughts in my head all the time, but as long as I've slept (and I don't drink, so that doesn't take my frontal lobes away) and eaten fairly well, when that rude thought comes into my I go 'does it fit?' and I know it doesn't. I know how to upset her but I choose not to do it - because it doesn't fit. Why would I do something that doesn't fit the goal I have for my relationship?
With my mother? My goal is to keep her around as long as I can - with good health and love and warmth and kindness... She's had six months from hell... I was surprised it was my dad...
I know that the death-dragon comes for all of us. I get that. Knowing time is limited, my goal is to spend as much time as I can with her being loving and supportive.
I went last, today, after my siblings. I heard all these great things about my dad, but when I started to speak, my dad was great and I was grateful to him, but my mother was the glue that held it all together. I was as honest as could be, but I had a conflicted relationship with my father. S. much better in the last five years, which I will be eternally grateful for. But I never had a conflicted relationship with my mother....
So whatever I do I just have to answer this question - 'Does it Fit.'
I have four children and two nieces that live with us. I always tell them 'The goal is not to be your friend, but to guide you to be healthy responsible adults that get close to your potential.'That's the goal. But when I think about what to say or what to do with them, it's 'Does It Fit?'
In the army I became very organised. They inspected your room, And my mum - everything was always clean. The dishes were done and put away... So when they leave their dishes out I'm irritated. I've been working on it. What's the goal - It's to be firm and kind and have a lasting relationship with people who are living up to their potential.
One Sunday morning there are all these dishes in the sink - I could just feel the irritation - I'm like,
You have a choice, does it fit - how to do this without damaging the relationship.
So I asked, 'What do you think it would take to get these dishes put away?
I'm just asking. I have found, as a parent, it's so much better - put the onus on them. See what they think the consequences might be.The dishes went.
On the one page miracle - ask what do you want in your relationships
what do you want for your work? I want to make a difference.
In so many ways I am like my dad. He was working the day he died and I know I will be too. We're both passionate about making a difference.
My father was in the grocery business and it's one of the businesses which was essential in the pandemic.
What do you want in your work" I'm hoping it's more than just to support your family. I'm hoping it's to make a difference in the lives of other people. Also purposeful people live longer.
And what do you want for your money? Money is just an exchange.
Are you a Value Spender with your money? What are you getting from your money? He always wanted value for what he spent...
Are you a value spender with your money? If you have problems with spending, all I want you to do is ask this question - Does it Fit?
Know what you want. Does it Fit the goals I have?
What do you want in your relationships, you work, your money?
What do you want for yourself - your physical, emotional and spiritual health?
I want to live to a hundred - but it's not about life-span but health-span. without illness, without pain and cognitively in tact.
So does being overweight fit with that? No. It's a risk factor for over 50 diseases. Obesity runs in my family. So when they brought out the cake and macaroons and chocolate covered raisins ... I didn't have any, Why? because it didn't fit! - Some would say, 'but it's your dad's funeral of it's your birthday, or it's Christmas of 4th July... There's always an excuse to hurt yourself. But if you have obesity in your family and you don't want to be obese, then just ask yourself 'Does it Fit?'
My little treat today, my dad used to suck on a chocolate lolipop so I had one of those for my emotional health. I know it comes from my relationships and by not believing every stupid thought I have. When any unhelpful thoughts arise in our mind. I remember Don't believe every stupid thought that you have. I know my success in a large part comes from not believing every stupid thought I have. When dark thoughts come, I write it down. I know that where I bring my attention will be how I feel.
From a spiritual perspective my goal is to be close to God and to do the work I was meant to do. That's I believe one of the reasons why I have been successful is because I am purposeful. Some years ago my Pastor said, 'I'm fat, my church is fat. can you help me?'
In church, we created, together with Mark Highman, the Daniel Plan programme. It was based on
Faith - why do you care?
Food - what you eat and drink
Fitness - move
Focus - brain health
and Friends. We get better together.
I felt I was in the centre of God's Will and the programme went to thousands of churches around the world. (This has had a massive effect in improving the health of thousands of people.)
Now I have a different passion - my new book is called The End of Mental Illness. I believe God has put it on my heart to change the paradigm of how we treat people who have emotional, cognitive or behavioural problems. We need to call them what they are - Brain Health Issues that Steal your Mind. the end of mental illness begins with brain health. At my spiritual core there is a question - Why am I on the planet - to share this message.
Go through the day (and at each challenge, look at what you may do or say and) Ask Does it fit?
Does it fit - what I say to my wife or my mum or my kids, does it fit the goals I have in my relationships?
What I do at work, is it meaningful? is it purposeful?
How I spend my money? Does it matter, does it fit the goals?
For my physical health, what I eat, Does what I eat fit? How many steps have I taken today? I took a long walk with my son - for physical goals?
I ate right. I exercised, I appreciated the emotion within me. Then I got it together because my sisters did.
So grateful to God for giving me a father who (despite having a really difficult relationship for many years) ended up being perfect for me.
Thank you for watching, for supportive messages. I am grateful to you and wish you health and safety. Remember your best protection from the pandemic is your immune system. Take care of it.
Have a look at this video where Daniel and his wife Tani talk about their relationship.
Here is my summary
If you don't heal from what hurt you, you bleed on people who didn't cut you I did two years of (EMDR therapy) I came from a traumatic background and I didn't trust him. Anybody that nice must be manipulative. I didn't trust my own judgement.
Being able to listen and not talk over is critical in relationships.
Also the importance of looking at Adverse Childhood Experiences. The ACE questionnaire. It's scaled on 1 to 10. He had a score of one. She had a score of 8. If you have a score of 6 or more you die on average 20 years earlier and relationships tend to be very difficult.
If you grew up in a hard environment you have to work on repair. Being able to do the work is important.
Take responsibility - don't blame. Be intentional. Responsibility - the ability to respond and take your power back. Fix the things that make it hard to move forward. If you're in - or - have been in an abusive in a toxic relationship, you need to get that fixed. Those are brain issues and you need to get help.
Daniel says the main thing he did was to give her time, not to put her under pressure. I knew that with her brain type if she was under pressure she would go.
She says she started therapy when she was 38 and it healed a lot of trauma.
If you want a good relationship you need to bond. It requires actual physical time and a willingness to listen. If you're always talking the other person feels invisible. genuine listening - active listening - so that when someone says something you repeat it back and engage with the feelings that they are
Special Time is what we teach to parents about building relationships with their children. Take 20 minutes a day to do what they want to do, and really listen. But it works for husbands and wives too. 20, 30 or 60 minutes a day. Try for two months without saying, 'but they should do it too!' Consider it an investment into your love account. It starts to come back without you even looking for that.
Acknowledge that we women are complicated. Our brains are busier. Our hormones change during the month. Take responsibility for knowing that. You may need to say, 'Can we just shelve this for the day?' Know when to say things. Own that. Look into the five Love Languages. Know this, They talk about their own. It's important to know. Women are busier, our brains are variable, know when to say things.
Empathy is huge. to seeing a situation from the other person's point of view. You want to put yourself in the position of your partner. Relating as a mnemonic is -
Responsibility
Empathy
L is for listening
A is Assertiveness. If something happens, share what is on your mind. When we don't like how the other person's treating us, we talk about it. We don't talk about it meanly, 'I really didn't like when you said that' It's often not intentional. Also Assume the best about the other person. If because of past trauma or past relationships you assume the worst it will set up a toxic dynamic.
T is time - special time together
I is Inquire into the negative thoughts, we often talk about killing the ANTs - automatic negative thoughts - Don't believe every negative thought you think. Get rid of the ANTs (he has a strategy for that.)
I is also Intention. We set the intentions and have open communication. Talk about the goals you have for your relationship. Also women need to get to know your own cycle of emotions. It's not helpful for men to go into that, but women need to be aware.
Notice what you like about others rather than the things you don't like about them. We're really good at noticing what we like.... Don't overwhelm men with too many words. It shuts them down. It stops them hearing what you're saying. Just work on being concise. Just watch how they react.
Don't get critical. If I started being critical - It pushes on pain-points and insecurities.
Everyone expresses things, but expressing feelings may not be verbal. Try sitting with him, making a meal, doing something he likes together.
If you do something they want to do you're now speaking their language which begins to bridge the gap
Love is a Daily Practise.
The last tip I gave was Forgiveness and Grace.
Forgiveness and Grace is so important. When people are in love, they choose not to see things they don't want to see. Then get married and irritated all the time. You've got it the wrong way round.
Keep your eyes wide open and be brutally honest while you're dating. Then when you're together, work on the love. Love is a practise, Grace and Forgiveness - Daily Practise Love is action.
Recall what happened.
Empathise with the other person altruistically give them the gift of forgiveness, commit to forgiveness and hold on to that. Don't hold onto the hurts. We've seen a lot of scans on brains, and something may be going on...
To be happy in a relationship, responsibility empathy, listening, assertiveness, time, inquire into negatives, notice what you like, grace and forgiveness.
Have clear boundaries about what's acceptable. If someone hurts you, get help. If you grew up in trauma, then the brain thinks that is normal. The brain doesn't do what's good for it, it does what it's used to. The work both of us have done is so that we don't repeat all the trauma's from the past.
What is it I can do today, to make this better. Don't focus on fault. Don't blame others for how your life is turning out. If the relationship is not working, What is it I can do today, to make it better - I'm responsible for my relationship. You can make it better.
I'm responsible. What was my part in this?
And if you need to leave, then leave. If someone is belittling you, shaming you, hitting you, that is not ok.
The white polar-bear belonged to my mother-in-law.
I arrived on my husband's birthday and he was delighted. Our spiritual Teacher has said that on our birthday our soul comes forward to remind you of why we came into the world. It reminds us of our soul's purpose - and it remains to the fore for about a week. So we celebrate a birthday for a week. During this time, don't just have parties and fun with friends. Take time for serious prayer and meditation. In my husband's case he is not actively following a spiritual Path, so I didn't encourage him to meditate, but my son and I did meditate together and we made a special effort to encourage my husband to be happy. He is a great 'teller of jokes.' Humour and laughter are great for reducing stress. During the week we watched a few lighthearted films together on television which we haven't seen in years. We laughed a lot. My son had taken him to see the film Barbie, and while my husband didn't think much of it, I now can't wait to see it myself. My son is a great chef and made lovely food all week.
On the Wednesday we went swimming together. Physical health is so important and swimming is something we all enjoy. Then on Thursday, after the Community Event, we set our for Edgbaston and the Hundred Cricket Tournament. My husband used to live in Wales so he and our son were cheering Welsh Fire. For me, Birmingham is a 'Holy City' where I lived some of the happiest years of my life, where our son was born and where I met my husband. It is also where I was living when I met my spiritual Teacher and for some years ran a little Meditation Centre. Then, because I really wanted to move back to Birmingham, I worked there for years, commuting each week from London. I enjoyed working in several different schools and especially with Tim Brighouse's University of the First Age. I made a lot of friends over the years, to add to those we had both made when we lived in Birmingham together in our early 'happy years.' That's why I love Birmingham so much and why I was supporting Birmingham Phoenix.
The Ladies Match was very close - They needed a score of two 'fours' to win from the last three balls. The batters put everything they had into their stroke for those three balls - and there was a hat-trick of dismissals. All three were out!
This is how it's recorded on edgbaston.com - Flintoff and Jones took their side into the last 20 balls with 27 needed but boundaries were few and Griffiths bowled beautifully to start tilting the pressure back on the home side. It came down to nine needed from the last five balls, delivered by Ismail.
A glorious cover-driven four for Flintoff brought it down to four from three, but Ismail bowled the opener next ball, had Burns caught at short third man and then bowled Issy Wong to seal the most memorable of wins.
My husband and I really enjoyed the day out watching the cricket. It enabled us to be so relaxed that I was able to ask him a question which I could never have asked on the phone. I want to go to my spiritual Teacher's birthday Celebration later this month, and because my Mindfulness-Joy Silk-Painting Workshops are taking all the money I can earn, (because I have been offering them free in Solidarity with Ukraine - since the war started last year) I needed to borrow some funds for my travel. I assured my husband that if he would lend me what I needed I would be able to repay him before I leave for the pilgrimage (I supplement my income by playing Pipe and Tabor in the street) and he agreed.
To even feel able to think of asking my hubby for help in going to the Pilgrimage, something which he aways saw as selfish, is a huge thing for me and a sign of just how much our relationship has grown in strength and oneness over the years. When I separated he was hurt and angry. He would not have wanted to help me with anything. Always remember that in life there are only two constants - Diversity and Change. When it comes to relationships, learn about your differences and respect them - and know that the relationship is always changing. Be aware. Notice what is taking it 'forward' or 'backward.' Apply some of the wisdom that Daniel and Tana share in their videos (and watch more. There are several excellent longer ones. (I particularly like the podcast where Jay Shetti interviews him and he explains how to 'Kill the Ants' and get rid of our Automatic Negative Thoughts..)
Returning to the week ending Sunday 13th August, and my time with the family, I am thrilled that now my hubby and I are so close that we were able to enjoy the cricket together (our son's birthday present for his father) and I could even ask for his help in the delicate area of finance. Of course I need to honour his trust by going out and earning the money, so I can repay him - and now this blog is done I will jump up and do just that. I need to earn some every day to make good that promise.
Good relationships are good for everyone and they only happen when we take them seriously and put in the work that they require. What did Tana remind us? - 'Love is a Daily Practise' What was it Dr Amen recommended? - Relating as a mnemonic -
R is for taking Responsibility - don't wait for the other person / people to make a move. Be proactive. What can you do, here and now, to improve things.
E is for Empathy - can you get into the other person's head as it were and see the situation through their eyes? When I taught Religious Education I used to say that our subject was like a dance. First we look at the world from where we are standing, then we turn and step into someone else's shoes and look through their eyes. To see the whole truth of anything, we need to appreciate what the different perspectives may reveal.
L is for listening. Practise Active Listening, where when someone is talking you listen so well that you can repeat what they said, not just the words but also getting into the feelings and emotions which were behind the words. Wait until you have done that, before you offer your reply.
A is Assertiveness. If something happens, share what is on your mind. Also Assume the best about the other person. Don't jump to conclusions.
T is time - Spend special time together when you absolutely focus on what the other person likes to do. But here I would add that it is important to reciprocate. In one of his poems, my Teacher says it is not marriage that unites the world, but love - more so Reciprocal Dedication. It doesn't sound very romantic but I think reciprocal dedication takes us to the heart of what real, unconditional, spiritual love is.
I is Inquire about the negative thoughts, Don't believe every negative thought you think. Get rid of the ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts - he has a strategy for that.)
I is also Intention. Talk about the goals you have for your relationship. Also get to know your own cycle of emotions. It's not helpful for men to go into that, but women need to be aware.
I forget what O stands for. I'll go back later and check on that.
N stands for Notice. Notice what you like about others rather than the things you don't like about them. Don't get critical. It pushes on pain-points and insecurities.
Daniel's wife, Tana continued saying, - Expressing feelings may not be verbal. Try sitting with him, making a meal, doing something he likes together. If you do something they want to do you're speaking their language which bridges the gap. Love is a Daily Practise.
Forgiveness and Grace are so important. Give them the Gift of Forgiveness. Commit to Forgiveness...
Now to conclude, with a poem or quotation - a spiritual reflection on relationships
Question: How can we manifest our spiritual aspiration in our relationships with other people?
Sri Chinmoy: We can manifest our spiritual aspiration in our daily conduct provided we try to see the divine in other people all the time. We know that all human beings have defects. But by just thinking of their weaknesses and shortcomings, we do not help them in any way.
At the same time, when we look at the dark side of a human being, we immediately create some spots on the tablet of our own heart. When we are aspiring we should try to see only the good things, the divine things in our friends, relatives and neighbours.
We should try to look at others and deal with others as we would like them to deal with us. This is the Golden Rule. But if we pay attention to the defects and shortcomings of others, then today we will see a few defects, tomorrow teeming defects and the day after tomorrow infinite defects in their nature. What benefit will anybody get from this? This is the wrong approach.
The right approach is to see divinity in others. Today if we see an iota of divinity in an individual, tomorrow we will be able to see a little more and the day after tomorrow much more. Light, then more light, then abundant light, then infinite Light we want to see in ourselves and in others.
But we can do this only if we sincerely aspire and make ourselves feel that we are all players in God’s cosmic Game. We are all equally important. Today we are awakened and tomorrow others will also be awakened. If we are seekers and if we see somebody who is not aspiring, we will say, “No, his hour has not struck today; but his hour may strike tomorrow.” Knowing the fact that he will be awakened tomorrow, let us give him our love, our light and our feeling of oneness. If we can establish the feeling of oneness, then our problem is solved.
Sri Chinmoy
Canada aspires, Canada receives, Canada achieves, part 1, 1974
My love of light
My love of light is my spiritual will. Within it is the power infinite. I give fear no place in my life. My love of light is God's Smile of satisfaction. God's supreme Love manifests in me and through me to transform my human problems into my divine opportunities.
My animal human love is my unnatural experience and uncertain possibility. My divine human love is my natural experience and certain inevitability of my living in the eternal Now.
My love throbbingly says: "God is all Blessing."
God's Love smilingly says: "My child is all gratitude."
Love radiates the life of harmony, brightens the joy-consciousness and sharpens the sword of intuition. Love is always ready to meet man's every soulful demand. Love conquers all that is unlike God. It is, indeed, supreme over all.
Love gives me my importance in the cosmic Vision of God. Nobody remembers me save my love. My sole treasure is love. Love's treasure is God's Heart.
Love is the undeniable truth of my identity as God's son, chosen son. Love is the unique combination of Heaven's freedom and earth's discipline. In Heaven's freedom is earth's emancipation. In earth's discipline is Heaven's manifestation.
No time-born desire can rend my love of light. My love of light flies beyond the widespread net of death. Mine is the love that has the birthless origin and the deathless end.
Sri Chinmoy, Songs of the Soul, Herder and Herder, 1971
And finally, the Cricket. This is the schedule for the Hundred Tournament.
- August 1: Southern Brave Women beat Trent Rockets Women by 27 runs (Trent Bridge)
- August 1: Trent Rockets Men beat Southern Brave Men by six runs (Trent Bridge)
- August 2: Welsh Fire vs Manchester Originals, Sophia Gardens, women 11.30am, men 3pm
- August 2: London Spirit vs Oval Invincibles, Lord's, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 3: Northern Superchargers vs Birmingham Phoenix, Headingley, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 4: Southern Brave vs Welsh Fire, Ageas Bowl, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 5: Manchester Originals vs London Spirit, Emirates Old Trafford, women 11am, men 2.30pm
- August 5: Birmingham Phoenix vs Trent Rockets, Edgbaston, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 6: Southern Brave vs Northern Superchargers, Ageas Bowl, women 11am, men 2.30pm
- August 6: Oval Invincibles vs Welsh Fire, Kia Oval, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 7: Manchester Originals vs Birmingham Phoenix, Emirates Old Trafford, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 8: London Spirit vs Southern Brave, Lord's, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 9: Trent Rockets vs Northern Superchargers, Trent Bridge, women 11am, men 3pm
- August 9: Oval Invincibles vs Manchester Originals, Kia Oval, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 10: Birmingham Phoenix vs Welsh Fire, Edgbaston, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 11: Northern Superchargers vs Oval Invincibles, Headingley women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 12: London Spirit vs Trent Rockets, Lord's, women 11am, men 3pm
- August 12: Welsh Fire vs Southern Brave, Sophia Gardens, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 13: Northern Superchargers vs Manchester Originals, Headingley, women 11am, men 2.30pm
- August 13: Birmingham Phoenix vs Oval Invincibles, Edgbaston, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 14: Welsh Fire vs Trent Rockets, Sophia Gardens, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 15: Oval Invincibles vs London Spirit, Kia Oval, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 16: Southern Brave vs Birmingham Phoenix, Ageas Bowl, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 17: Trent Rockets vs Manchester Originals, Trent Bridge, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 18: London Spirit vs Northern Superchargers, Lord's, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 19: Trent Rockets vs Birmingham Phoenix, Trent Bridge, women 11am, men 2.30pm
- August 19: Southern Brave vs Oval Invincibles, Ageas Bowl, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 20: Manchester Originals vs Northern Superchargers, women 11am, men 2.30pm
- August 20: Welsh Fire vs London Spirit, Sophia Gardens, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 21: Oval Invincibles vs Trent Rockets, Kia Oval, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 22: Northern Superchargers vs Welsh Fire, Headingley, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 23: Manchester Originals vs Southern Brave, Emirates Old Trafford, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 24: Birmingham Phoenix vs London Spirit, Edgbaston, women 3pm, men 6.30pm
- August 26: The Hundred Eliminator, Kia Oval, women 2.30pm, men 6pm
- August 27: The Hundred Final, Lord's, women 2.15pm, men 6pm